Limerence is a sneaky bastard that turns a simple crush into an all-consuming obsession.
It blinds our mind, and makes us think and behave differently.
We create unrealistic fantasies, and become desperate and needy.
Let’s discover what limerence is, and learn how to recover from it before you lose your sanity.
My Experience
A few years ago, I was at one of my lowest points, feeling like I’d lost all sense of purpose and direction.
Normally, I’d lock myself away when I’m down and not leave the apartment, but one particular night one of my pals (Paul) convinced me to meet him for cocktails.
As soon as we arrived at the bar, my eyes were drawn to the cute waitress who served us throughout the night.
Like most savvy waitresses wanting tips, banter was present and her flirting skills were onpoint.
Funny how a little bit of attention can make you forget how sh*t you feel, isn’t it.
Anyway, as the night came to an end, I thought I’d try my luck and ask for her number. Was actually surprised when I got it.
We spent the next few days messaging before we met up for a drink.
It was obvious from the start we had almost nothing in common, but there was plenty of touch and flirting so I didn’t give a sh*t.
She made me feel special and wanted, which was the complete opposite of how I felt about myself at the time.
Problem is, by the end of the week, I fell so hard, so fast for this girl – she was all I could think about.
What should have just been some fun turned into a crazy obsession, and before long this neediness showed and obviously killed the attraction in an instant.
This then lead to rejection, which compounded the negative feelings I had before I even met the girl.
This was my introduction to limerence.
I’d clearly latched onto someone else’s external validation and started to obsess over something that wasn’t real. The intense feeling lasted around month and felt f*cking awful. Shameful? Yes. But it happens.
Limerence is powerful, horrible sh*t when they don’t feel the same. 😂
Why Limerence Matters
It’s Not Just a Crush
A healthy crush is exciting and can boost your confidence. Limerence, on the other hand, is an obsessive state where you can’t stop thinking about the person, often ignoring everything else in your life.
Tip: Assess your feelings. If you’re constantly fixated and it’s affecting your daily life, you might be dealing with limerence, not just a crush.
Unrealistic Expectations
Limerence creates an idealized version of the person you’re obsessed with, ignoring their flaws and exaggerating their positive traits.
Tip: Ground yourself in reality. Remind yourself that no one is perfect and recognize the person’s real qualities, both good and bad. Are you compatible? Do you share the same values etc?
Emotional Rollercoaster
With limerence, your emotions are on a wild ride—highs when you get attention and crushing lows when you don’t.
Tip: Practice emotional regulation. Techniques like mindfulness and meditation can help stabilize your mood and reduce emotional extremes. 🔗 How to Listen to your body
Neglecting Your Life
Obsessing over someone can lead you to neglect your own needs, hobbies, and relationships. Your entire life starts revolving around them.
Tip: Rebalance your focus. Invest time in your hobbies, friendships, and personal goals to maintain a well-rounded life. Create mini tasks and make sure your crossing things off your list and getting things done. Check out Atomic Habits book by James Clear.
Fear of Rejection
Limerence often comes with an intense fear of rejection, making you desperate for any sign of reciprocation.
Tip: Build self-esteem. Work on loving yourself independently of others’ validation. Remember, your worth isn’t tied to someone else’s opinion.
Understanding Limerence
Limerence is a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, describing an involuntary state of intense romantic desire. It’s characterized by intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, and an overwhelming need for reciprocation.
Unlike a healthy crush, limerence can lead to obsessive behaviors and emotional instability.
🎯 Action Steps: How to Get Out of Limerence
Acknowledge It
- Recognize the Signs: Admit that you’re experiencing limerence, not just a crush. Awareness is the first step to change.
- Accept Your Feelings: Don’t shame yourself for having these intense emotions. Accepting them allows you to address them constructively.
Set Boundaries
- Limit Contact: Reduce interactions with the person to give yourself space to heal.
- Create Distance: Physically and emotionally distance yourself to break the cycle of obsession.
- Stop masturbating over them: Yes, I’m talking to you 😉
Focus on Self-Improvement
- Develop New Hobbies: Do cool sh*t. Engage in activities that interest you.
- Set Personal Goals: Focus on your personal growth and achievements to shift your focus inward.
- Learn more: Whether it’s reading, audiobooks or YouTube. Educate yourself in topics that interest you.
Seek Support
- Talk to Friends: Share your feelings with trusted friends who can offer perspective and support.
- Speak with ChatGPT: 24/7 AI for $20 a month. No-brainer.
- Join Open Communities: There’s sh*t tons of men who’ve been through what you have. Find them (email me if you’re in Chiang Mai, Thailand).
Challenge Your Thoughts
- Reality Check: Question the validity of your fantasies and remind yourself of the person’s real traits. Do you share the same values? Are you compatible etc.
- Positive Affirmations: Replace obsessive thoughts with positive statements about yourself and your worth.
Practice Mindfulness
- Stay Present: Focus on the here and now instead of getting lost in fantasies about the future.
- Meditate: Use meditation to calm your mind and reduce intrusive thoughts.
Rebuild Your Social Life
- Reconnect with Friends: Strengthen existing friendships and build new ones to expand your support network.
- Join Groups: Participate in social activities or groups that interest you to meet new people and divert your focus.
Embrace Singlehood
- Enjoy Your Own Company: Learn to be comfortable alone and find fulfilment within yourself.
- Self-Love: Cultivate self-love and appreciation independent of romantic relationships.
Key Takeaways
- Recognize the Difference: Understand that limerence is more intense and obsessive than a healthy crush.
- Set Boundaries: Limit contact and create distance to reduce obsessive behaviors.
- Focus on Self: Invest in your personal growth, hobbies, and relationships outside of the obsession.
- Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to reach out to friends or professionals for help.
- Practice Mindfulness: Stay present and challenge unrealistic thoughts to regain control over your emotions.
Bottom Line
Limerence can feel like a whirlwind romance, but it’s actually a destructive obsession that can derail your life. By recognizing the signs, setting boundaries, and focusing on self-improvement, you can break free from limerence and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Don’t let an obsessive crush hijack your happiness—take control and steer your life back on track.
Resources
- 📕 Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller – Understand attachment styles and their impact on relationships.
- 📕 The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck – A blend of wisdom and psychology for personal growth.
- 📕 Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman – Improve your emotional skills and understand your feelings better.
- 📕 Attached by Amir Levine – Dive deeper into the science of attachment and relationships.
- 📕 Mindfulness for Beginners by Jon Kabat-Zinn – Learn mindfulness techniques to manage intrusive thoughts and emotions.