Forgiveness doesn’t always mean giving second chances. You have a choice: fix it or f*ck it off.
What we shouldn’t do is bury it like it never happened.
“Forgive and forget” sounds nice, but it’s sh*t advice. Forgive, but don’t forget — learn from it.
Those lessons are what make relationships stronger, more resilient, and worth keeping around.
By mastering the art of forgiveness, you’ll become stronger, more assertive—and that’s both healthy and attractive.
What is Rupture?
A rupture is a break in trust. It’s that moment something sh*t happens—she cheats, lies, or disrespects you in some way. It doesn’t always have to be a big thing, but it’s made a little dent in your opinion of her. Even small things can cut deep, right? Ruptures are inevitable. You can’t avoid them, but you can learn to handle them in a way that strengthens your relationships.
Why Forgiveness Matters
Relationships aren’t perfect. They’re full of ups and downs, and ruptures are bound to happen. You can’t avoid every hurt feeling, misunderstanding, or argument. But these ruptures don’t have to be the end.
Forgiveness lets you take those breaks and turn them into something stronger. It’s like the Japanese practice of Kintsugi, where broken pottery is repaired with gold. The cracks aren’t hidden—they’re celebrated and made part of the story.
Modern relationships usually bolt at the first sign of conflict, but strong ones are made by repairing ruptures. Forgiveness, when done right, turns scars into resilience and reinforces the bond.
Acknowledging the Rupture
When there’s a breakdown, don’t pretend it didn’t happen. Rupture is real, and it leaves a mark. Ignoring it will have negative consequences later on, trust me.
Tip: Call It Out
If there’s a problem, face it directly. Dr. John Gottman, in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, emphasizes that open conflict, when handled honestly, can strengthen bonds. Stop with the passive-aggressive hints—talk it out.
Owning Your Part
It’s easy to think they’re the one who messed up. But if you played a role, even a small one, take responsibility. Forgiveness often requires a bit of accountability on both sides.
Tip: Drop the Ego
Ego will have you clinging to anger like a trophy. Let it go. Owning your role makes the repair process feel real, not forced. It’s not about who’s right; it’s about healing the wound.
🔗 This post on Accountability is worth a read.
The Real Repair
Most people want things to “go back to normal.” But real repair? It takes time, patience, and honesty. Like Kintsugi, you can’t just slap some glue on and call it a day. Those cracks have to be reinforced with something stronger.
Tip: Commit to Rebuilding
Set time aside for an honest conversation. Gottman’s research shows that couples who make frequent “repair attempts”—small gestures or words acknowledging the hurt—have stronger, longer-lasting bonds. Whether it’s admitting a mistake or simply listening without defense, these moments add up.
When Forgiveness Might Not Be the Answer
Not every rupture deserves repair. Forgiveness doesn’t mean putting up with behavior that goes against your core values or tolerating constant disrespect.
Cheating
Cheating is a tough one. It’s a rupture that often breaks trust on a fundamental level. Some couples work through it, but it requires both people to do the hard work of rebuilding trust. If your partner isn’t showing true remorse or putting in the effort to change, forgiveness might only drag out the pain.
Tip: Trust Your Gut
If you can’t shake the feeling that the trust is gone, you can leave. Remember, forgiving doesn’t mean staying—it can mean letting go and moving on for your own peace.
Lying
Lies, especially repeated ones, show a lack of respect and integrity. If someone lies once and owns up to it, maybe repair is possible. But if lying becomes a pattern, it’s a signal of deeper issues. Relationships need honesty to survive. If you can’t trust your partner, f*ck her off.
Tip: Set Boundaries
Be clear on what’s forgivable and what isn’t. A one-time lie might be something you can work through, but a consistent pattern? That’s when you walk.
Constant Disrespect
Sometimes, it’s not a single big rupture but an ongoing issue—disrespect, neglect, or dismissiveness. If you’ve communicated clearly about feeling disrespected, yet your partner repeatedly disregards your boundaries or makes you feel sh*t, then forgiveness isn’t the answer. Respect isn’t something you should have to beg for.
Tip: Don’t Settle
If someone constantly disrespects you or collides with your core values, forgiveness won’t fix it. Walk away with your self-respect intact.
The Theory of Rupture and Repair
Psychologists use “rupture and repair” to understand how relationships evolve. Think of rupture as the tear, repair as the gold filling that makes it stronger. Gottman’s research shows that couples who handle rupture well often come out with deeper trust. They don’t just brush things under the rug—they face the discomfort, talk it out, and reinforce the relationship, cracks and all.
🎯 Action Steps: How to Apply
In Dating
Don’t bottle things up. If something bothers you, address it early. Addressing issues from the start builds a strong foundation for future forgiveness and repair.
In Long-Term Relationships
Rupture will happen. The real question is: will you repair or walk away? Address the issues directly, forgive (if you choose to), and rebuild. Repair isn’t one-and-done; it’s something you do over time.
Key Takeaways
- Acknowledge the rupture—it’s real, don’t ignore it.
- Own your part in the conflict, even if it’s uncomfortable.
- Real repair takes commitment—it’s not a quick fix.
- Some things aren’t fixable—don’t tolerate constant disrespect or dishonesty.
- Forgiveness is freeing—sometimes, that means letting go.
Bottom Line
Forgiveness isn’t about erasing what happened. It’s about deciding what’s worth saving and what you’re better off letting go of. Not every rupture can or should be fixed, but when it can, it makes you stronger, scars and all.
Resources
- 📕 The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman
- 📕 The Dance of Anger by Dr. Harriet Lerner
- 📕 Forgive for Good by Dr. Fred Luskin
- 📕 The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu